Starting Fresh

Okay so I have decided to turn the future of my blogging to Tumblr.com. It's more modern and easier to use and i like it!

This isn't going to make much of a difference really, I doubt my four followers will be too fussed about this change. Its nothing big, ill still send out links on Bebo and twitter (ect) when I post, it will just be a different link! I will keep this account so if you feel like reading back, you can.

Here's the link to my Tumblr account, hopefully you will feel bothered/find the chance to read some of it at http://nikki4850.tumblr.com/.

Hopefully the new blog will do well for me ! Any way, toodles for now! See you at Tumblr.com!

The Post That My Friends Really Do Need To Read.

What the FUCK is with people, MY FRIENDS, treating me like shit lately? I am getting walked on and treated like dirt and I'm SICK of it. I am not that bad of a person to have my mates do that. What the fuck am I? An easy target? Because just like others, I say nothing weird or insulting (not to purposely hurt someone anyway) and yet I'm the one who gets the cold shoulders, the bitchy comments and the pure venom spat at me and I AM FUCKING DONE WITH IT! It’s always my fault, I'm always to blame. I'm always the one who is the bitch even though another friend could be acting the same way as I am. Of course they don’t become the baddies, oh no. It’s me. It’s fucking always me. And I don’t deserve it.

The amount of times I have stood up for and helped these friends who continue to treat me like this is unreal. If you are my so called ‘friend’ and you are reading this, take a look at yourself. Are you one of these people I'm talking about? Because if you are, be careful, because I am running out of patience fast.

Most of the time I say ‘oh it’s not their fault, they’re just having a bad day’ or ‘they don’t usually act like this so there must be something wrong’. That’s probably my problem, I let things slide too easily. I have been ignoring and trying to get passed this behaviour for so long but tonight it has really pushed my patience.

I have made up my mind tonight on this. I have dealt with enough assholes and bitches to last me for forever so I don’t want to waste my time and energy on people who treat me like their ‘punch bag’ so to speak. It’s not fair. I'm just going to start cutting people off, it’s hurting me too much to be pushed around like that. I don’t deserve it and I don’t want it.

I am not threatening anybody. I just want you all to know that I just don’t have much tolerance for people who are like this. Why can’t my friends go back to the way they were, before they got like this? Before they decided to take their frustrations out on me. They were the friends I really love.

I understand that I am a cow, I have always recognised that. So, if these people can give me a valid reason as to why they feel the need to be so mean, I will take it and I will apologise. But if there is no proper reason, then fix yourself, it is NOT a good way to be.

I don’t want to lose friends, so I am asking, please try. You probably don’t realize it but you really upset me sometimes with the way you go on.

Just try, please?

Yes you're mad, but all the best people are!

‘Imagine’ by John Lennon

Today I saw Alice in Wonderland, and I have to admit, I really did love it! Yes there was a lot of hype about it from everyone. The media and my friends mostly. Thankfully I didn’t really listen and decided that I was going to find out for myself. Because of that, I didn’t have absolutely huge expectations and I really enjoyed it! Definitely a DVD buy. A small gang of us went. Meadhbh, Andrea, Niamh, Shell, Buttons and I. I did ask Lucy but I messaged her just as she went offline so she never got the invite. Now I feel especially bad because she told me today that she would have gone... Damn.

I think I enjoyed it mostly because the actors really suited their parts and I have a soft spot for movies set a few centuries ago! I just love the clothes, so simple yet pretty. The whole lifestyle was so simple. Not so many worries and complications. Okay so they may not have lived up to an age that people do now, but I'm sure they enjoyed their lives more. I don’t know. This is all just guess work. I just think it would be cool to have lived a few centuries ago.

So recently I've been told I'm being brainwashed and over-self conscious... Brainwashed because I have recently joined a gym and simultaneously started fussing about what I eat. Over self conscious because apparently I'm over analyzing how I look and coming out with false images of myself... yeah, I don’t think so! Anyway so I figured if I don’t start being healthy, I'm going to die. Seriously! I checked loads of my heath measurement and checked out the results. Definately going to die. I'm actually so ashamed of myself. So if you can call being worried about my heath an act of a brainwashed person, then okay, I'm brainwashed. I'm still not breaking off the regime I'm trying to work with. But so far, I haven't done as good as I’d like to. Mum was away this weekend so I had no way of getting to the gym for my 3^rd session. However, next week mum and I have a goal of going at least four times. We do have 5 free days to go but if something comes up, we will still have 4 at least. Anyway, I really do love the gym. It really suits me. Walking for the sake of exercise just bored me. In the gym, I know I'm only there for a set amount of time so I push myself to get the best results for the amount of time I'm there. I actually come home unable to wait till the next gym session! Yeah, it’s awesome for me.

So did you ever just randomly start talking to someone who just manages to make you smile for like no reason? I talked to that person today. They left me smiling J. Just so easy to talk to. None of that usual crap you get when you talk to people.

‘Whats the craic?’

‘Oh nothing much, you?’

‘Oh nothing either haha’

‘LOL’

‘LMAO’

‘:D’

‘xD’

*End of conversation.*

No matter how many times you have had a conversation with a person that is similar to this, you will once again, after reluctantly signing into MSN, have this very conversation that as always, ends with various smiley faces. Where’s the fun in that?

Then eventually you find someone that you can have a normal conversation with. Today I had a conversation with that person and as I said, they left me smiling.

Tomorrow is mothers’ day and I am pleased to say that I am sorted for it. I bought her a Travant dinky car and I made her a jewellery box in woodwork. My brother also got her flowers between us, and they’re really very pretty. I like mothers’ day. I think it’s a great day to show your appreciation and all that jazz. Unlike Valentine’s day, I believe that it still holds some sentiment and is not just a day for the shops to sell cards and presents. Obviously that is part of it all but it’s still a nice day all the same.

Anyhoo, it is 3.37 pm so as you can see I have stayed up quite late tonight and am now very tired.

I hope all mummies have a lovely day tomorrow!

<3>

xxx

Your Desire Is The Song I Want to Know, You Are My Song, My Melody.

‘You can only move,

As fast as,

Who’s in front of you.

And if you assume just like them,

What good will it do?’

Things are going pretty brilliant at the minute. I have this totally new outlook on things. I think it may be because, over the last while, I've been thinking about the future and what I want to do. I think I'm more motivated? I dunno, but I'm happy with how I am right now. I've written a few ‘goals’ on my white board so I can see them every day when I wake up and although I thought that was a useless thing to do, I'm beginning to wonder if it has actually worked! I'm totally being way more positive and I want to work at things more.

For example, I'm learning a piano piece that I'm gunna use for my leaving cert music, and so far I've only done small bits of it at a time. I was at about page 6 out of 8 yet no matter how much time I had on my hands, I just couldn’t sit down to learn and perfect the last two pages. I loved the song and all, but I just didn’t have that ‘push’ in me. Today I sat down at the piano and spent about 2 hours learning the song and perfecting it. See? 100% more motivation! I don’t know where it has come from but I am enjoying it! It’s such a cool sense of achievement when I learn a song. It’s like one big ‘YEY!’ on the inside! Haha!

Today I started watching Glee online. Yes I also have been taken in by the worlds new favourite programme, but honestly, it is really good. Its oh so very annoying watching online though. Every 72 minutes of watching, the episode I'm watching at that moment stops and a message comes up.

‘You have watched 72 minutes of video today, please wait another 54 minutes to resume watching.’

Dammit! How frustrating. The last time it stopped was only 7 minutes away from the end of the episode... thus I am writing this now while I wait. After that, I shall leave the last 2 episodes in the season till tomorrow.

I have been on the computer all day today and its sunny so I should be ashamed! Yeah... I think I'm going to go offline and practice some piano or something . Glee can wait. Toodles.

By the way, here is the song i finished learning on piano, its really so beautiful :)

Sorry about the fan video with all the cheesy pictures but its the best quality one i can get. I still don't know how to get MP3s on here.

Have a listen, and if you want, let me know what you think. Some of you will probably recognize it from me playing it. I play it for Shell a lot.

Much Love, Nikki .

It's a Brave New World From The Last To The First.

So I think I may have figured out why I’ve been so weird lately. Like why I feel sick all the time, why I had that massive bruise on my neck, and why I’ve been feeling so like down lately. Now before some of you losers suggest something like pregnancy, it sooo isn’t! I’m thinking thyroid disorder.

Mum just suggested this briefly a few days ago and after looking it up, I realised that I have almost every symptom! It says I should have nausea, headaches, sensitivity to heat, and depression. If I do have a thyroid disorder, it would explain so much! Also, I had a bruise a few weeks ago on my neck right where my thyroid gland is, so it’s very possible! Well it seems so to me anyway. I mean, I’ve been acting so fricken weird lately! You should have seen me at the 02 for 30 Seconds to Mars, it probably looked like I was having a breakdown. I couldn't’t stop crying, I was in hysterics! It just wasn’t normal. I kept going back into the crowd, then having to leave to hide down the back again because I kept bursting into tears. I must have looked physco! One guy came up to me and was like ‘are you okay’ and I managed to say ‘Yes’ but in a very agitated tone… I felt bad then, because he was only trying to help!

Anyone who knows me properly should tell that this is NOT normal for me. I’m usually happy and bubbly and all. This was weird. So I told Mum and she has agreed to bring me to the doctor next week.

Yes this is a very short entry but I'm just so happy that i may have finally figured out what the hell is wrong with me. I'm pretty sure someone must have noticed how strange ive been acting lately.Its been driving me crazy anyway.


i have totally fallen in love with this song and this video lately so i thought i would share it with you all =] His voice makes my heart flutter! I'm such a freak! haha!

Bright And Morning Star, I Wanna Be, Where You Are… :)

My internet is gone today but it’s Saturday the 27^th of February and I wanted to post this today on my blog.

This week end has been awesome so far. Yesterday was 30 Seconds To Mars, and it was just brilliant. Well most of it. We went in mad early to try get into the pit but to everyone’s annoyance, after 6 and a half hours of queuing, we found out there WAS NO PIT! All because of JLS... HUH! Yeah they didn't want a pit for their gig which was the next day (well today actually) so the 02 being lazy fuckers said it would be too much hassle to put one in for 30stm only to take it away again. Naturally I was a bit pissed off! But it was such a fun day! We arrived at the 02 with bags full of Mc Donald’s take away and had a blast! We drew on each other’s boobs/backs/stomachs/faces with dry wipe marker and I believe my boobs read; ' I <3>

Fox avenue were the first band on and they were AMAZING! They did super mega awesome and I was like so proud of them hah! All the other fans and I have watched them move to bigger and bigger venues as time moves on, they only started in the Academy and now they're in the 02! How cool! The second band I didn't like though. They were a drumming band called ‘street drum core'... Nikki no likey! They're sound was shit too; all the mikes and amps kept failing! It was really terrible, and as Shell said, if her sister was there, she probably would have cried!!

After the second support act, things started to go wrong with me. I was fine and waiting for 30stm to start when I suddenly felt really, REALLY ill. It was so horrible. I was fine then I started to feel a bit of a sick stomach, then three minutes later, I had to rush from my space in the second row from the front of the stage out passed all the people in standing. I got sick in the bathroom. It wasn't nice. Then I got mega pissed off... I couldn’t get back! As I was sitting down the back on the floor, 30 seconds to mars started and I got all upset at the back of the 02. I had waited hours to get that space so I could see one of my favorite bands and with just my luck I had to go fucking puke! The week hadn't been going so good as it was but this was just a kick in the ass! I actually balled at the back of the 02 and people were staring so badly... sounds stupid but all I wanted was a hug! I actually wanted to call one of the guys from the front and ask if they could come down to me just so I could get the hug! FREAK! I copped on and stopped being selfish and told them I was fine.

So while my world was slowly crumbing, I was trying to figure out two things. 1. Why the FUCK am I so moody lately (I mean I was proper fucking balling at the back of the 02) and 2. How the hell was I meant to get back?

Thankfully Jared Leto is awesome and decided to sing with his fans on the balcony! When everyone turned round to watch him, I pushed my way through to the front again! I saw Buttons there and he took my hand and tried to get me back to my original place, but there was a group of bitches who refused to move. I know they didn’t want to lose their space but they knew I had been there with shell before, I was standing beside them! But they were short so I got through. Yeah I’m one of those bitches at gigs who can’t let go! I’m always the one to take her spot back no matter what… I was lining up for 6 and a half hours for Christ’s sake! After that it was all amazing! It was the best gig I’ve been to, ever!

Tonight though, I just had my Lucan Gospel Singers concert! Now THAT was fucking amazing! It was so much fun! The whole day was spent rehearsing but I just thought the day went so fast! It felt like we were only there for an hour before we had to go on stage. It was fun anyway. Jumping around the stage in our gowns, madness! I sold 6 tickets, but if I’m honest, I thought that the 6 going would be so bored. I was kind of embarrassed too… but I had to sell some tickets or else I wasn’t going to be allowed perform, and I had to perform. I had spent the last few months proving myself to Ian our director, in the hope that he would allow me to do a solo. Then, in a rehearsal week end in Glendalough, I was the only person to audition for the song ‘The Only One’ by Antonio Neal and he loved it. He made me sing it over and over to the choir telling them what a lovely solo song they had missed! I was so happy, he had been giving the same people all the solos and I was getting pissed off. He wasn’t giving anyone else a chance!

Anyway I got the solo and on Saturday, I didn’t fuck up! So chuffed, I was a bit afraid that I would absolutely ruin it! And what’s worse, it opened the second half of the show so I was feeling a bit more pressure because of that. From what I heard, it sounded good, but I still cringe when I hear my voice on recording, so I don’t really know how it sounded.

I had the best bunch of people in the front row, all clapping, dancing and singing like madmen! It was hilarious to watch and they kept distracting me! But it was so worth it, it was just so much fun just watching them!

So that was the best weekend of 2010 for me so far! I hope yours was super too J

Take a chill pill! Actually, i think i'll have one too...

This week I came back to school. Brilliant! NOT! In the first class we had on Tuesday, English, we got a lecture about our behaviour and work before we had even the chance to cause trouble. We were told to start focusing and to ‘pull up our socks’. Does that phrase drive anyone else mad? ‘Pull up your socks’! Every teacher uses it. In primary school I always remember being so confused when a teacher said that, and up to second class, I always took it literally... who was a dipshit? Nikki was a dipshit! Yey go me. So day one back in school after the midterm and the TY year are already getting into shit. For no obvious reason.

And computers, well that was just super... I’m convinced that Ms. Watson is schizophrenic. One minute she was grand, just her usual kind-of-annoying self, then, she freaked, and I mean TOTALLY freaked. Unfortunately she happed to have this freak while standing in front of Eloise’s computer. Considering that we had been given out shite to already before the day even started, it was obvious that she was going to start bitching at us. So now we are the worst TY class that she has ever had. We are also the most talkative class she has ever had, which is a lie! My third junior cycle base class was like MEGA noisy and talkative. And she had us! So she told this all to us through screams and proceeded to smash down on Eloise’s computer with a closed fist. The poor girl got such a shock! Shockingly the comp actually still worked after its beating. So we are officially ‘the worst class in the school’ according to the teachers. That’s right! Just kick the TY class when they’re down! So today we got a lecture off Mr. Sweeney too, because he heard the schizophrenic screaming throughout the corridors. Fucking wonderful. Hah typical!

Tomorrow there is a school retreat that I suppose I should be going to. This week has been such a bad week for me. Things just keep getting worse and worse. I so fricken stressed out at the moment when I shouldn’t be. You know that feeling you get in your chest when you get oh so very stressed? I have that. It’s like a massive lump sitting in my chest. I don’t want to go on the retreat. I just don’t feel like having a wissshy washy ‘let’s talk about our feelings’ session thank you very much... I'm never too fond of retreats but I can usually stick them for just one day. This time, I can’t even think about going in. I will probably end up screaming at someone. I don’t know what’s happening with me. I'm such a freak. I can’t even stay sane for a week.

No one is happy with me now. They all want me to go on the retreat but I won’t so now one or two people aren’t talking to me. I know they want me to go, but I just need to be selfish this week. People keep telling me ‘well you’re going to be on your own’ but if I'm honest, that’s the best part about not going. I really need some alone time or something, I just don’t want to lash out at anyone, as I said, I'm not in the right state of mind this week.

On the bright side, my choir show is on Saturday and I have my solo down cold! I love the song, it’s just so sweet. I guess if your reading and you were one of my few friends to buy a ticket, I guess you will hear me sing it live. Today, some of the girls who sing this part of a song with me weren’t at rehearsals so I had to sing by myself at the mike. I didn’t mind at all! Now Ian (my choir director) knows that I can sing high without screeching haha! He always just assumes I have a booming voice that’s mad deep, it’s nice to see a change in his opinion. He finally knows my name and is constantly asking me to sing certain parts in songs which is pretty awesome!

I was just thinking, I'm pretty lucky in the way I am never nervous in front of an audience. Of course I will be shitting myself right up until the point where I start singing, but after that, it’s not nerve wrecking, it just fun! First big show =] but I have to go to 30 seconds to mars first on Friday! As all females know, Jared Leto is probably the most gorgeous man on earth... oh my. So I should have no bother waiting through Friday! *sigh*

Anyway, all of you, have a wonderful Thursday. I can assure you that it will be a far better Thursday for you than it will be for me.